As an explanation with my mom's situation right now: post-9/11 my mom lost her permanent job with the company because the entire thing went under when the South Tower collapsed. All of the company's executives and east coast employees for the start up all died. She was laid off a month later. Afterwards, she contracted at about seven-eight different jobs, for the next seven years. She found a permanent position at Stanford, but they laid her off six months later -- cut backs. A year later, she gets the job at PwC, and then a year and two months later, they fire her. She's never been fired from a job. It's always been laid off, or her contract has ended. Mom knows very well the stages of unemployment, contracting, the works. She has also qualified and received disability in the past. She knows about the situation more than I do. I'm vaguely familiar with the stuff. She's more well versed in it. One problem is that with unemployment and disability, it's still not enough per month to live. The other problem is that she lost all faith because she's 50 years old and she feels like a worthless loser that should die.

Put yourself in her shoes. After working for a year and two months for a permanent job with benefits, sick time, vacation time, and damn good insurance paid by the company you work for, so you don't have to worry about the money you spend on the medication to keep you still alive, they let you go. Not only did they fire you, they escorted you out of the building like you were a criminal, and they didn't allow you to gather you things. All of your medical papers, your phone book, your emails, your addresses on the computer, your postcards and trinkets, your photos, everything. You don't get to have time to get them. Because they didn't want to make a scene. They'll mail you the items, they say. Mail them to you in a shitty ass box and probably rip up the shit too and blame it on shipping, saying, Oh it's not our fault, it's yours, sorry about that, take care and have fun trying to find a job. And to boot, they have the audacity to tell you, keep your chin up, think of this as a new opportunity, you didn't fit here, you can go elsewhere. But what elsewhere? Where else? Now? What to do? How to make enough so you don't go further into the debt you have almost cleared completely off, that you have worked to clear completely, with all the dings and collections and bad marks off in 2010 and 2011? With a car that you didn't want that fucks you out of 600 a month, and it's already being like shit? And credit cards, and high bills, and a huge rent that equivalent of a 400K home mortgage? So there goes your wants and needs -- to fly to DC during the year, to see your daughter graduate, to go and get that colonoscopy and biopsy to see if the doctor is sure that you don't have anal cancer. You worked contracting for seven years. Now you have to go back to it? What the fuck? Who would take you, at 50, for a permanent position? You're a loser, a nothing, a nobody. What's the point of living? Go end up in a car crash, at least you die, the car is liquidated, the house in Stockton is liquidated and has enough to pay off all the bills and stuff, with enough left over for a funeral and some for your daughters. You lived enough just go die. What's the fucking point now? What's there to live for? What's left?

That's my mom's thought process right now. It's why I'm crying and trying to do the best I can for her. I understand now where she comes from. We can communicate better. She's accepted I'm going to stay out there and live in the east. It's the best solution right now for me. It's not what she wants, but it's what has to be done. I mean, I don't hate her anymore. She gets annoying, and sure I don't like it when she yells, but I always know why she yells. She yells because of all that up there, that has happened to her for years. She lost her husband at a young age, the only man she ever loved, she has a dad that constantly belittles her, a mom that never understands her truly, and a daughter that said she hated her.

I take it all back. I love my mom. I love her so much. She's fucked me up yeah, but only because I took it the wrong way. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. I have to assert that on her, and not just act like an adult when I'm not around her. You know what I mean? My mom's given me the world. I wish I could give something to her back. I'm so sick and tired of her getting shat on. I don't understand it. It's not fair. It hurts me. Here's a woman who gave everything of herself to her kids, and what's her repayment for this, and being nice, and treating people with respect, and being jovial and happy at work? Getting fired. I'm serious you guys. I saw her bad feedback sheets. They just nit-picked on her being happy. Winking/nudging people playfully. They reprimanded her for knocking on the doors of people's offices. She was being cordial and polite. Instead they wanted someone brash and rude and angry, someone who barged in. But then they would reprimand her if she did! So? Damned if my mom did, damned if she didn't. They were just gunning for her, and we both knew it, but guess what? We hoped. We fucking hoped. And for what? For fucking what? Now you see why I became a pessimist like her, and I'm trying not to be now. One of us has to be the adult. It has to be me.

I just want my mom to finally have stability and happiness. That's why she was so damn bitter and angry. Now she's just tired, exhausted, fed-up, and sad. That's why she pushes me so much. Life shat on her, and she doesn't want it to shit on me. And my fear, my constant fear, is that it will, no matter how hard I try, but I keep being fearless and pushing forward. I can't live in fear. I can't. I have to be fearless and continue to love the unknown, otherwise it'll just suck me alive. Balance, man, all about balance. Knowledge about the past and the future, consequences of my actions and others actions, but to have those blinders on and just go forward with what I want and what feels right.

I've applied to so many jobs for her tonight. I want her to get something, and I want me to get something. I don't know why I still have any faith after all this shit that has happened in the past couple of days, weeks, whole summer, but I honestly mean it when I say I'm praying to God that my mom gets a job in a week's time. I honestly don't believe I'll have a mom if she doesn't get one. We're truly fucked. The credit she fought so hard to fix will go down the drain again because she can't afford the payments. The car company is not so easy to deal with, even with the economic crisis. The credit cards are being very sweet though, all of them. I just find it weird or something that it's the credit card companies who are being sweethearts and working out plans with us, rather than like, car companies, or house people, or whatever. I don't know.

Thanks for those who have been reading and responding. I didn't use my journal all of June, or for awhile really, because I honestly thought if I talked about my problems or my feelings, I'd sound like an emo kid like I did at 16. The thing is, as I've realized, is that I'm not 16 anymore. I'm 21 with real adult problems, and I need a place to vent. I desperately need one. Otherwise, as the month of June proved to me, I will seriously go off the deep end, and do things that I shouldn't have even thought about. Needless to say, I was suicidal all of June. But I'll talk about that shit later. I'm going to keep applying, listening to music, and then in a few hours, calling some places about stuff.