I'm scared about the future. Without health insurance, I'm screwed. The deadline to get it from school is gone. I cannot afford the 2K insurance the school offers anyway. So I just have to avoid getting sick or injured.

I've applied to jobs on my mom's behalf. She's... kind of not all there. She's really lost it. We're honestly fucked. The car payment is due soon, and she can't afford it. Nor can she afford the bills coming up. Grandpa has a job, but now he's just sole provider. I really need to get some sort of job for the summer, and later for the fall, so I can be the one who takes care of my credit cards at least. I mean, I can work, I'd love to work, I could do 30 to 50 hours, I'd take the shit from bosses and get treated like crap and slave away for minimum wage happily. I don't care what I get or what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing something for money. It's sad that it's reached this point, but I'm so desperate. I don't know what to do. I'm just ready to cry.

I don't know what's going to happen to her. She's already spoken of committing suicide. She's 50, a UC Berkeley grad, and has no job. The way they fired her too was horrible. I'm the only one trying to come up with any kind of solutions. I mean, I'll do commissioned manipulations for people, I'll write stories for people, I'll take photos for people, I'll do anything at this point.

I don't know how to sell things online so I'm figuring it out right now. My mom doesn't believe I'd get anything for my TV or bean bag or whatever, but the point is that at least I'll get something. I need to come up with a plan for the fall. I have to afford my plane ticket back to DC. I have to see if I got my scholarship for the fall for my books, otherwise I have nothing to buy for books. I also have to look into possibly getting a private loan from Sallie Mae. I know loans are bad, but that's the only option I have as a person right now. My loans are already skyrocketed to high hell because of this last year. Might as well add a five thousand one.

I mean that's why I got all those good grades in high school. So I could get money for college. And well, thankfully I did, not enough, but enough. So I'm gonna keep applying to scholarships and stuff. Whatever I can. There's gotta be another textbook scholarship out there, somewhere.

God and we have no relatives for help. We're all alone. I'm the only one keeping my cool, trying to figure out ways to keep us afloat, keep me afloat. This jobless thing for mom happened at the worst time possible. No insurance, bills due, job market sucks... and because she's grieving, she's taking it out on me. But I'm old enough to know and understand why, so I'm doing it, taking it, and just doing whatever I can. There's not much I can do, really. But whatever I can, it's something at least.

This just sucks, that's all. At least I'm not sitting on my ass crying and destroying crap, like my mom. I'm helping her out while she justifiably trashes stuff. I'm doing what I can and making things happen. She'll be okay. I'll get her a job. She just lost hope.